Top 5 Child Researcher Tips for Parents: Minimize Media, Be Real, Heal the Whole Child, and More

At the most recent International Association of Play Therapists Conference in California, Ana Liza Cisneros-Howard, MSW, LCSW, a therapist I worked with at The Center for Creativity and Healing, had a chance to interact with leaders in the world of play therapy who are sharing some pretty important information--not just for play therapists, but for parents and families, in general.  I sat down with Ana to get the low-down on her conference discoveries.  After a long discussion with her, I condensed it to what I think are the most important highlights.

Below are the top 5 tips for parents that can be used right now to better your relationship with your child, and help your child be more happy and successful:

1) Violent images have a clear effect on the brain development of children, and their exposure needs to be monitored carefully.  The most recent studies on brain development show that by age 4, the brain is 90% organized, so that children who are exposed to violence at an early age have brains that are organized differently than others.  By age 18, the average American child witnessed 200,000 acts of violence, 16,000 murders, and watched cartoons with 20-25 acts of violence per hour.  Nearly 75% of violent scenes on TV depict no immediate consequence to the perpetrator for the violence. 

•What to do?  Be aware of what and how much your children, of all ages, are watching or exposed to (not just on TV, but in video games, on YouTube, and sometimes on social media).  If you see violent images with them, discuss the consequences of such actions in the real world.  Above all, set limits.

2) Know that while sex talk and images are often touchy subjects for parents, kids are more highly exposed and at risk than ever.  Texting turns to sexting, pornography is more easily available, the media is saturated with sexual imagery, and adolescents are not readily equipped to deal with this on their own.  Unwanted exposure to sexual material happens to 1 in 3 youths.  American children begin consuming hardcore pornography at an average age of 11, and four out of five 16 year-olds regularly access pornography online.  To make matters more upsetting for parents, 80% of unwanted exposure to pornography happens in the home.  Sexting is considered criminal behavior in many states.  Not only is this an emotional and developmental concern, but some kids are getting into trouble with the law for sexting without realizing they are committing a crime.  In many states, being caught with a nude picture on your phone or sending nude pictures can result in child pornography charges.

•What to do?  Talk directly about it with your kids, keep the lines of communication open, set limits, and educate your child about the permanence of those images and the consequences for these behaviors. 

3) Not only is play therapy effective in the therapist’s office, it’s one of the best ways to build a relationship with your child.  While “play therapy” is generally considered to be for younger children, this tip can be applied to all ages.  Playing with and interacting in a meaningful way with your child fosters creativity, self-direction, responsibility, self-esteem, and self-control. 

•What to do?  Take some time, pay attention, and play with your child.  If they’re older, engage in an activity with them that they choose and enjoy.  Enjoy along with them, and don’t worry about doing it right as much as simply being present with your child.

4) Parents aren’t perfect, either, and it’s important to be real with your child.  Often times, when parents make a mistake in some parenting decision or action, they don’t recognize the opportunity this provides.  Researchers say it’s more about what you do AFTER you make the mistake than the mistake that you made, in most cases. 

•What to do?  Admit mistakes, apologize, and show your child that you care.  This shows them how to restore relationships, an incredibly important real-world skill.  Plus, you as the parent see, too, that you can repair things with your child, and that you’re not a bad parent because you made a mistake.

5) Research is leading therapists to approach treatment from a more holistic perspective, which can help you understand and parent your child.  Rather than viewing children as having problems or behaviors that need to be addressed, research continues to lead the professionals who help children to look at the whole child:  considering brain development and genetics; family system and relationships; thoughts, feelings and behaviors; and nutrition and overall health. 

•What to do?  Help your child to be happier and more successful with a holistic approach that helps her find and experience balance.  You can be a role model for this, too, by paying attention to your own physical and mental health.  Show your child the importance of healthy boundaries, emotion regulation, relaxation, acceptance, movement, nutrition, unplugging from media, having fun, and brain stimulation--by taking care of yourself in these ways, too.

Shift Perspective to Create Happiness

Shift Perspective:  How the Mind/Body Connection Affects How You Feel

Approximately 58 million people in the US have mental health concerns, with 254 million prescriptions for antidepressants alone being prescribed annually.  As public policy is shifting in the realm of health care, there is a renewed interest in prevention of mental and physical health concerns, as well as promotion of overall wellness.  Integrative intervention strategies, like yoga, meditation, Reiki, and other holistic approaches are gaining ground, as more research illustrates their efficacy as treatment options for overall health.  This focus does make sense in the context of how our bodies work. 

Stress has been shown to lead directly to not only behavioral health issues like substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, but to physical health issues like ulcers, IBS, frequent colds, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, PMS, chronic pain, and migraines.  In the body, stress revs up the sympathetic nervous system, causing the body’s systems to be flooded with adrenaline and cortisol.  This further stimulates the brain to the point of weakening the body’s response to stress, effectively suppressing the immune system.  Studies have shown just how much yoga practice, for example, really does help. 

When we talk about yoga, by the way, we are talking about the holistic approach to yoga: breathing purposefully, mindfulness meditation practice, yoga postures or asanas as well as ethical approaches to living.  This type of yoga increases parasympathetic activity, or the relaxation response, correlating with reduction in the amount of stress we accumulate over time.  Studies have shown it leads to improved immune function, and improvements in the brain chemistry associated with anxiety and depression. The practice of yoga has been called “the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind”, which is a perfect complement to those who are in therapy or seeking help with mental health concerns. 

Moving into this shifted perspective of overall health, we begin to see how deeply connected the physical body is with the brain, the mind, and the body’s basic physical functions.  If we wish to heal physical concerns, we must also address emotional/mental concerns and healing.  By the same token, if we wish to heal mental/emotional concerns, we must also address the physical body.  By approaching our own healing this way, we can begin to slowly shift into a more holistic approach to wellness, one that welcomes relaxation, gentle movement, breathing practices, and mindfulness practices, showing up in how we concentrate, how we relax, how we create, and even how we eat. 

Top 5 Myths About Therapy Debunked

Many people come to therapy with a very specific expectation about what the process will involve, while others avoid therapy because of those preconceived ideas.  Often, these ideas are based on scenes from movies and TV.  Below are just a few of the most common myths we have encountered about therapy:

• Myth #1-- The therapist will act as a cheerleader and can’t really offer me more than talking to a friend.

Therapists are trained to build relationships that are authentic, and to offer support for their clients.  Therapists are real people, too!  A therapist will not, however, pretend that you are coping well when you aren’t, simply to cheer you up.  Authentic relationships are honest and supportive, and that is what good therapists strive to achieve.  They will help you work through your problems, which means inconsistencies in goals and behavior are gently confronted.  This may require more effort on your part.

•Myth #2—I can’t tell the therapist the really tough things going on in my life, because she will judge me/won’t like me/won’t be able to handle it.

Honestly, therapists are trained to handle a multitude of problems, and expected to remain nonjudgmental.  This does not mean condoning every action or word you put out there in the world.  However, it does mean allowing you a safe place to talk about even the worst parts of your life.  Therapists must also follow stringent ethical guidelines, and will be honest with you if your problem is one that would be better handled by someone who specializes in that area. 

•Myth #3—Therapy takes a long time—maybe years-- and I need help right now.

Most therapy does NOT take years. The most common therapeutic approaches are relatively short in duration.  Depending on the issue, and your willingness to work towards changes and personal growth, you could see your therapist for only a few months.  Sometimes, however, you will want to continue therapy for longer.  Issues that are really pressing are dealt with in that manner, and most clients feel some relief after the first few sessions.

•Myth #4—Therapists do the same basic thing with each client.

Therapists are not one-trick ponies.  Every single client is unique, as are her life challenges.  A good therapist tailors her approach to each client's learning style, as well as her goals.   While a therapist’s basic personality doesn’t change, her techniques and approaches will—both over time, and depending on the client.

•Myth #5—Only “crazy” people need therapy.

This is definitely far from the truth.  Many people who seek therapy do not have a mental illness, and are not crazy or out of touch with reality.  Going to therapy is a way to take control of your life and your choices, and can be especially effective for addressing life transitions, stress, anxiety, relationship problems, school/work problems, or struggles with self-esteem.

Therapists are real people, building authentic relationships with their clients.  They are trained to be open, nonjudgmental, honest, ethical and fair in their treatment and approaches.  They will work with you towards realistic goals, empowering you to cope more effectively with life's challenges

5 Keys to Beating Back to School Stress

With summer winding down, both parents and children may be beginning to feel a little anxiety or stress over going back to school.  Simply transitioning from the freedom and summer vacation schedules back into school schedules can be stressful.  For some students, transitioning to the next grade level or a new school brings stress, and for parents, there is often a renewed focus on student success and fresh starts.  While these transitions can be anxiety-producing, they can also be excellent opportunities for growth for everyone.  Whatever the cause of back-to-school stress for you, we have a few suggestions to help you & your child:

•Focus on the positive and fun aspects of going back to school:  Seeing friends again, meeting new teachers, etc.  Acknowledge their anxious feelings, but help them channel & transform feelings of anxiety into feelings of excitement.

•Plan ahead:  This means watching for Open House information, buying school supplies early, and planning family schedules to run smoothly once school starts.  Parents may need to set aside a separate area for homework, work on meal/snack plans, organize/buy school clothing and supplies, etc.

•Give your child some control:  Involve your child in back-to-school shopping & planning, and give him some choices wherever possible.  Listen to his concerns and thoughts about homework, school lunches, schedules and after-school plans. 

•Get a school-year bedtime routine in place ahead of time:  Don’t wait until the night before school starts to send your child to bed early.  Help her adjust to an appropriate bedtime routine several weeks before school starts.  Remember, kids need more sleep than you—9+hours per night!

•Set up playdates or social outlets, but don’t overschedule your child:  One of the things many miss about vacation is the down time.  Allow that to be a part of your child’s and your family’s lives.  Help your child connect or reconnect socially as needed.  For some, this can be challenging.  Work with your child’s personality to find the best fit for him/her.

Therapeutic Yoga... Not Your Westernized Stress-FUL Style

Sometimes, when people think of yoga, they think of incredibly flexible young women on the cover of a magazine, or of the trendy westernized “hot yoga” and “power yoga” classes.  Yoga has been westernized to the level of sport, and is often made to be another way to “work out” and “get fit”. 

While this approach has its benefits, it sadly misses a great deal of what the ancient system of yoga’s original intention was. When practiced in a traditional or therapeutic setting, the benefits of yoga can offer systemic, holistic wellness, including not only the benefits of muscle flexibility and strength, but even more strikingly, benefits to multiple systems of the body and human experience (Kaoverii Weber, 2013).  These include the nervous system, the circulatory system, metabolic and organ function, as well as psychological and spiritual wellness.  Studies in the last several years using functional MRI scans have shown that yoga actually changes neurotransmitter levels and brain activity.  It has been further shown to increases self-awareness, reduce anger, increase self-esteem and improve relationships.

I have begun a yoga teacher training in Subtle Yoga, a therapeutic yoga method that is accessible for everyone and holistic in nature, fostering improvement in mental as well as physical health.  Subtle Yoga is based on the ancient yogic system of the 8-limbed path:  external ethics, self-directed ethics, yoga postures, yogic breathing, inner awareness, concentration, contemplation, and oneness.  As you can see, there is a great deal more to yoga in this approach than simply performing yoga poses.  This approach can be built into one-on-one counseling, as well as being accessible through yoga classes.   For more information about Subtle Yoga, visit their website @ http://subtleyoga.com. 

Kaoverii Weber, K. (2013).  Subtle Yoga: Shift Perspective. http://subtleyoga.com

Working Vacation Is An Oxymoron: 4 Ways to Make it Real

For many of us, it’s harder than ever to “power down” and leave our work worries and devices behind. Staying plugged in to social media, keeping up with news, and answering work emails are not, despite what we may tell ourselves, part of a healthy vacation.  Here are some tips for making the most of yours:

•Unplug!  A “fast” from electronics can help you sleep better, improve your mood, and remove the tendency to multi-task, which leads to nothing getting your full, undivided attention (like yourself or your families). This is great to model for your kids!

•Create down time for yourself during the vacation, rather than trying to sustain the same pace that you keep up during your work week.  Let go! It’s okay not to have a plan!

•Bring a little vacation home with you.  One of the most difficult things about coming back to work is leaving behind the fun, relaxation, and self-care that you allow yourself on vacation.  Find ways to bring some of that into your every day, even if it’s on a smaller scale.

•Allow time to transition coming back.  Return with a day built in to relax at home, unpack, reorganize, grocery shop… whatever you need to do to prepare for a normal work week. Try not to hit the ground running at work, but build in time to your first day back to answer emails, return calls, check your calendar and settle in slowly.  

9 Ways to Manage School Breaks When Togetherness Feels Challenging

It’s summer break and the kids are home… a thought that can instill both joy and, well, panic!  Family togetherness is at a year-long high, and sometimes everyone just doesn’t get along.  Here are some tips to help you, and your kids, enjoy your time together:

•Alone-time is good:  Encourage your kids to spend a portion of their day on their own, whether you have one kid or five!  This is good for them all year long, and a great thing for parents to model, too!

•They can work it out:  When it comes to managing sibling conflict, start by allowing them to work out as much as possible on their own without you.  This builds confidence, personal responsibility and more.  One caveat:  If someone's getting hurt, you can step in.

•Talk it over:  Have a conversation with your kids about limits before problems occur.  Make sure they know what you expect of them individually. 

•Mix it up:  Don't expect everyone to do everything together.   Allow for activities between pairs or small groups.

•Take turns:  Rotate who gets to choose what the family does together, and keep it equal.  Set up any guidelines for choices ahead of time.

•Keep it real:  Consider keeping some routines the same, even though it’s summertime (e.g. bedtime or bedtime routine).  Kids still need more sleep than you for proper brain development.

•Limit screen time:  Just because it’s summertime doesn't mean screen time should be unlimited. Kids need physical and mental stimulation and activity all year long. 

•Adjust your expectations:  Don’t expect perfection—from yourself, your spouse or your children.  Allow that the occasional argument will happen, and everyone won’t be happy all the time.  It’s life. 

•Bottom line:  Be flexible!  Open up to the possibility that things don’t have to be a certain way, and that maybe your “ideal” situation isn’t everyone else’s—or even realistic.

Giving Children & Teens the Gifts of Yoga & Meditation

        Both yoga and meditation are practices that adults sometimes think their child will not enjoy or be able to do.  First, know that yoga for kids doesn’t always look and feel exactly like an adult yoga class.  Children are often exuberant in expressing their enjoyment when participating.  It is generally a little more fun and active than an adult yoga class, with a balance of quiet and calming activities.  Children love to meditate, too, in part because they have an opportunity to use their imaginations creatively, with no limitations.  Contrary to perceptions, children are naturally closer to achieving a meditative state than adults. 

     Children’s brainwave states are slower than adults, making it easier for them to jump in and out of a meditative state.  This is the case up until adolescence and even into early adolescence.  They have not reached the patterned state of higher brainwave analytical activity like adults on overdrive often do.  Going into a meditative state is actually reminiscent of infancy.  From birth to two years, brain wave states are equal to those of a deep meditative state, allowing information to flow steadily through the senses.  Children are, by nature, imaginative and are very open to the process of mindful awareness experienced and taught both in meditation and during relaxation in yoga.

     What’s the real benefit of all of this, you wonder?  On the physical level, yoga helps children maintain flexibility and strengthen muscles.  Through the movement and focused breathing portions of class, children learn self-control, and an increased ability to focus.  Children learn to achieve deep relaxation, reduce their own stress, use their imaginations, have fun, and produce endorphins that make them feel happy!  This, along with the strength, flexibility and inner growth they see in themselves empowers them and increases self-esteem. 

     Meditation’s benefits are similar and complementary to yoga.  Meditation reduces anxiety, enhances anger management skills, decreases depression, and has physical benefits, like lowering blood pressure, relieving insomnia, diminishing headaches, and improving digestive system function.  Once the process is learned, practice at home can help with sibling relationships, winding down when needed, relaxing in the doctor’s office, preparing for tests, and empowering children.  As a result, they build stronger relationships with parents, peers, and themselves. They learn to access their imaginations more easily, and enhance their creativity, sense of joy and inner peace.  Both yoga and meditation are true gifts to give our children. Teaching them to utilize these tools at any age gives them a powerful edge in moving towards peace, self-awareness, and happiness throughout life!